How to Protect Your Packages from Porch Pirates

Make no mistake, since the rise of Amazon and online shopping in general, porch pirates have become annoying pests. Think of them as the crabs hanging on to the genitals of the American e-commerce buying public.

I know that’s kind of a funny description and possibly graphic, but there’s really no other way to describe them. These people are scum. Seriously.

You worked hard for your money, and you are all excited about that item that you saw online. You go on Amazon or eBay and buy stuff that you need. And then all of a sudden, you check your porch and whatever you bought isn’t there.

You wait and wait. And even after a whole week has passed, still no package from Amazon. It’s annoying. And the worst part to all of this is that the seller has delivered the package to you. Please understand that the responsibility of the carrier ends when they deliver the goods. They did their job.

And, technically speaking, your porch is your responsibility. In other words, it’s your responsibility to be at the place when the delivery people show up. This is why I call the porch pirates essentially crabs hanging on the collective genitals of e-commerce customers. They are scumbags. They are bottom feeders. They are opportunists.

I’m sure they did not think through the legalities of their action. But, given how the legalities work out, basically, everybody’s off the hook, except, of course, the perpetrators and the package owners. Pretty sad situation.

I don’t know about you, but if I ordered a laptop, a tablet, or some gadget that I’ve been wanting for a long time and saved all this money for, and then all of a sudden, I was told by the delivery company that they already delivered it and I didn’t find it in my porch, I will blow my top. I would feel violated on so many different levels.

So, to prevent this from happening, follow these tips. You’re really saving yourself from a lot of unnecessary hassle and a lot of wasted time calling the carrier, trying to, somehow, some way, get your package back.

Remember, they don’t owe you anything because they already delivered. They did what was expected of them. Legally speaking, they’re off the hook. So, you’re basically barking up the wrong tree.

You can’t complain to the seller or the company that sold you those products because, again, they already fulfilled their legal obligation to you. They pulled the product from their inventory in the warehouse, they put it in a box, shipped it through a shipping company, and got it delivered to you.

Again, they did their job. Their legal obligations stop the moment they ship out the item to the shipping company, or get it picked up by the shipping company. You have to take the following steps to make sure you don’t get victimized.

Ask for the Delivery Date and Be There

The best way to avoid getting victimized by porch pirates is to simply be there. Now, I know this is easier said than done because most people have this thing called jobs that they have to go to. They have to be there from 9 to 5.

But if you work at home or if you are on vacation, make it a point to order products in a time frame you know you’re going to be available. This is the very best way to avoid porch pirates.

Also, set it up where they can deliver in an open area that you can see. For example, if your home or a friend’s place has an open porch, you can have it delivered there because you can always see what’s going on.

Invest in a Package Drop-off Slot

Another great way to avoid being victimized by porch pirates is to install a package delivery slot or box in your door. This can come in many different forms and sizes. But the great thing about these is that when the package is put through the slot, it can’t easily be taken out. This is really just a large version of the mail slot that the postman puts your letters through.

If you get a credit card bill through the mail, they would put the bill and other important correspondence through that slot. It’s very hard to put your arm through that slot and try to grab a letter. That’s very painful. Also, your arm might get stuck.

Well, the same dynamic plays out when it comes to package delivery slots. This, of course, can cost you a little extra.

If you are looking for a very fancy slot, it might even cause upwards of a couple of hundred dollars. Still, if you buy a lot of stuff online, this is definitely a worthwhile and strategic investment in the safety and protection of your packages.

Please understand that porch pirates are all over the place, and they’re the least people you expect. They can be your friendly neighbor who readily asks you how you’re doing and who would otherwise be helpful. But for whatever reason, he might have a nasty habit of poaching people’s deliveries.

So, consider yourself warned. You can’t really trust anybody as far as porch pirates go. You have to take the initiative. Either you have to be there, or you have to install some sort of device so as to make it a physical impossibility for these dirtbags to victimize you.

Remember, you don’t want to get caught flatfooted because some packages are actually very expensive. It’s really hard to work with vendors to somehow, some way, convince them that they are at fault. Technically speaking, they already did their job. The same goes with shippers.

Make it easier on yourself by making sure the theft is well-documented. You can do this through a CCTV system. It’s all about giving the cops as much of the leads they need to give you the justice you’re looking for.

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